Two-Headed Headlines One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remardks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story. Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space. They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible. No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result. Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd: GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERS FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT CHINESE APEMAN DATED MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE. U'S FOOD SERVICE FEEDS THOUSANDS, GROSSES MILLIONS COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW 10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS WHEN OVERPASS IS READY FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT 4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB HERSHEY BARS PROTEST MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION When a newspaper goes out wearing the wrong banner, its messages can become unwittingly suggestive: QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS? HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS CONNIE TIED, NUDE POLICEMAN TESTIFIES WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED MORE BROAD-BASED ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE STUD TIRES OUT PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME FOR PROSTITUTION SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED AT NEARBY SCHOOL JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM, FINE FOR SEX ACTS PANDA MATING FAILS VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING FOR VOLUNTEERS N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH. CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP SERVICE WIDOWS COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE WITH HIS PEERS DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS FOR PETS, OWNERS ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX Sometimes the galley gaffe issues from a confusion in grammar: BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS EYE DROPS OFF SHELF TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81 SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66 MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND DURING TRIAL LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT, LAWYER TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS KILLED IN NEW JERSEY Occasionelly, a deformed headlinne takes on a meaning that is exactly the opposite of the one intended: NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84 AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER 20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR And sometimes the headline illuminates the painfully obvious: WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH CUTS EFFICIENCY COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS REQUIRE SOME STUDY FOR GRADUATION CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS SCENT FOUL PLAY IN DEATH OF MAN FOUND BOUND AND HANGED MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN: POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS, FEELINGS OF ISOLATION